Food Run: Hash Hatch ‘Em

This may be something one day. But for now I’m simply bringing to light some of the teachings that the great, swell city of San Diego taught me.

One thing should be noted: you’re going to make this hash, and you’re going to think you’ve made an omelette.

This is not so.

The key differences lay in two factors. Firstly you have to get that starch element right. It needs to be choppy, like a potato rösti or really any variation of hash brown. Secondly, it’s a requirement for the end product to be somewhat of a mess. If you come out with this neat, fold over looking omelette, then no one with a hangover or an aching for junkie delish is going to take you seriously.

So, moving forward, what you need (what you need):

– spring onions
– a Spanish (red) onion
– 2 eggs
– shredded mozzarella
– hash brown/’tater tots/rösti/youknowwhatImean
– ham/cured roast pork/a meat of your personal or cultural preference but preferably CURED
– ground pepper
– paprika

Feeds: Emma Watson post-Bling Ring antics

Note – for a vegetarian alternative, subtract meat, add mushrooms and zucchini


Phase 1: Finely chop the Spanish and spring onions and chop the meat bite-sized pieces (the shape is irrespective but you gotta be a pretty massive tool to cut circles)

The meat looks like it has a pulse. Fear not, the result is fxcking delicious.
The meat looks like it has a pulse. Fear not, the result is fxcking delicious.

Phase 2: Using a non-stick pan on medium heat, pan fry the Spanish onion, ‘tater tots and meat until the tots and onions have some colour to them.


Phase 3: Crack and whisk the two eggs until combined. Pour the egg mixture over the contents of the pan and let that shxt simmer down until the edges turn a solid yellow-y colour.

Phase 4: Add spring onions and mozzarella on top. Do not shift or mess with the egg. Let it continue to simmer and use the cheese as an indicator, watching for it to start slowly melting. Once you notice this add pepper and a small hit of paprika for added flavouring.


Phase 5: Fold that dunce once. Check that it has mobility around the non-stick. If you achieve traction, and if the cheese is melting under the heat of the eggs, then it’s ready for the smashing.



Final Phase: voilà. No frills, NO BREAD REQUIRED, just some good ole fashioned demon-slaying food on aplate, best consumed with a morning hit of black coffee or Jack Daniels, word to Harley Morenstein.

Cue the hash national anthem.


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