Food Run: Kraabdüß Cakes

There’s that one dish that no one wants to make, and even more so, doesn’t want to eat. Yet there’s enough curiosity around this dish that when confronted with, say, forced social situations, one would say to themselves “Fxck, I wish I knew how to make that dish.”

Doggy best believe I got the hook-ups.

OG crab cakes. Actually I don’t know if this is the original recipe. It’s probably more accurately the ad-libbed findings of one of my man-child fantasies.

So straight up, you need:

– dill
– chives
– 2 eggs
– granola – oat clusters, and at most, nut mix only. No fruit shit (no lie)
– breadcrumbs – panko if at all possible
– half lime
– 500 grams of crab meat
– dried chilli flakes
– 3 pinches of salt, 2 pinches of pepper
– corn and/or bacon bits (optional, but better)

Feeds: Kirstie Alley


Phase 1: Use a blender and grind the granola down until it is the same consistency as the breadcrumbs.

Phase 2: Pour the ground granola into a bowl and fold the breadcrumbs in with a wooden something. Once folded, add dill, chives, dried chilli and crab meat. Fold to combine that all until it looks like crab breakfast cereal. Once combined, season and add squeeze of lime juice. At this point, if you brought your A-game, add the corn and/or bacon bits.


Phase 3: Add eggs straight up. Fold in until mixture takes on a paste like consistency. Anything less is gonna fall apart like a Malay shxt. I don’t know how you could over fold it. Probably when your palms start bleeding is a good sign.


Phase 3: Roll crab paste into balls no larger than golf balls. Let them sit in the fridge for about 15 minutes.

Phase 4: The easiest part – olive oil on the pan at medium heat. Press those crab paste balls gently down to flatten out. I can’t stress the gently part enough, remember you don’t want omelette. Unless you fxck it up, then you can swerve and say it was suppose to be an omelette I guess.

Final Phase! Serve with something refreshing like rocket or basil/tomato/boccaccini combo. If you’re gonna dress it, use something tart like vinegarette. Don’t botch it by serving it up with some heavy carbs and BBQ sauce. I’ll know and you’ll get Django’d.


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