Coroscope (Caffeine ’cause it’s a Necessary Cliche)

Dream catchers, horoscopes, taro (milk tea) cards and tea leave readings. All pretty overrated stuff. But we as a nation of ever worrying meatsuits share a universal wonderance: What’s gonna happen to me before I crash into bed at night… 10+ years from now.

So fortune, future and fidelity seemed to be an adaptable topic modern society regardless of the trends or times. I was reading this #courtneylove book “The You Code” by James & Moore © 2011 and interestingly it shares a valuable source of personality reading for which any crazy, overworked blue-collared individual can empathize: coffee

Interesting enough considering that coffee composes the primary bases of most of our daily needs and at the same time the highest pretension in day-to-day life. Oh shit, that last one might actually be personal blogging #walkingparadox

So here’s a direct abstract that I’m keen to share detailing everything from personality traits to stress levels and even sex life. Oh and it also includes non-coffee drinkers! Fooze for thought:

THE ESPRESSO DRINKER – James and Moore describe the espresso as “the unfiltered cigarette of the coffee drinking world”. Espresso drinkers tend to be moody, hard-bitten and hard working. They are into leadership and fast goals. They don’t suffer fools but are hard living and prone to “night-time shenanigans, followed by a rather louche attempt at day time repair”. The espresso drinker can be an experienced, exciting and consummate lover but is not known for reliability or unswerving loyalty.

THE BLACK COFFEE DRINKER – This type is al about minimalism and takes a no-frills, direct approach to life.

The black coffee drinker can be quiet and moody but prone to brief bursts of extroversion. “A difficult but potentially rewarding friend, colleague or partner,” James and Moore conclude.

THE LATTE DRINKER – Typically metrosexuals or cuddly-toy collectors, latte drinkers are pleasers with an overwhelming compulsion to be liked. A latte drinking boss will use a baby voice to tell you off.

By taking a dark and dangerous drink and turning it into a comforting milky bedtime beverage, James and Moore say, latte drinkers reveal that while they may want to come across as hot shot contenders, they have an immature side.

THE CAPPUCCINO DRINKER – What’s not to like about the extroverted, optimistic cappuccino drinker? Like their drink, cappuccino drinkers are all froth and bubble, bored by detail and liking – but not obsessed with – material objects. “Freud would have a field day here,” write James and Moore. “Cappuccino froth gives the tongue the mother of all workouts and is all to do with the physicality of the experience rather than the basic consumption of the beverage.” The cappuccino drinker enjoys sex but is easily bored by an unimaginative partner.

THE INSTANT COFFEE DRINKER – These are cheerful, straight forward types, who like a laugh and live by the maxim “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”. But instant coffee drinkers can be unadventurous in their careers and need to let others see the hidden depths in their personality. The no-nonsense instant coffee drinker is allergic to pretentious behaviour, say James and Moore, and they are likely to keep their socks on during sex.

THE DECAF SOY MILK DRINKER – A self-righteous eco-worrier and attention seeker with a tendency to be picky, fussy – and squeamish in the bedroom. What’s more, this faux choice implies a pretentious, high-maintenance type who wants what they can’t have and is disguising their true personality. “If caffeine gives palpitations and cow’s milk brings you out in spots there’s little hope for you in the cockroach society that is city dwelling”, James and Moore conclude.

THE FRAPPUCINO DRINKER – Flighty and shallow, the frappucino drinker will try anything once – especially if a celebrity has done it first. They fancy themselves trend setters but send out the message that they are someone who favours style over substance. The frappucino drinker’s relationships often last as long as their drink choice, according to James and Moore.

THE NON-COFFEE DRINKER – Unfortunately, the verdict isn’t good. Frightened of coffee equals frightened of life, say James and Moore. If the taste of coffee puts you off you really are a child, they say, and it’s time to join the world of grown ups. But there’s hope. “Twenty one days is all it will take to break your cycle of disgust and then you’ll be back in the real world.”

THE POT SMOKER – Wait, that wasn’t in the book.

The You Code is currently on sale for $27.95AUD at any literature jump-off.

So go out and get a coffee! You fxcking hipsters!!

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